Im writtin this to ya in reverse

I suck at this. I have hurt too many people in writting this blog to continue it in the same way anymore. I thought I would be able to write about my life from my perspective for a year and that people would excuse the content based on it being thoughts that I normally wouldnt express. I think that even I vialated that theory by using it as a means of being passive aggresive. I don't know how people write books and get away with all their thoughts exposed like that. Im also curious about how musicans can write songs about people and get away with that. I certainly couldnt get away with anything. A blog about making friends turned into one about how to loose them. My mom always reminds me that my grandma always says "never write anything you don't want a million people to read." I personally don't care who reads me, I just need to understand more about how what I write affects people. Because the majority of things I write that hurt people confuse me as to why. Words don't do me justice.
So I will now challenge myself to continue this project through a camera. Same principals but without words. Go...

rub a dub dub

Blah biddy blah...Im healthy and calm again. Im also back in DC. I have desided to go to massage therapy school. I have desided this because the other night at dinner mom was talking about how her and grandma couldn't really see why I wanted to do counseling but she said, "if thats what you want to do, then thats what you want to do." It dawned on me that, that wasn't what I wanted to do. There's to many gap in that field. What I mean is that, there is too much time between clients, doing paperwork, thinking up solutions. I realized I wanted to go to work and start working. I want to get physically involved with my work. I want to come home "physically" tired, not mentally. God knows I mentally exhaust myself (see previous blog). This feels GREAT! To finally have direction, something to work on, a light at the end of the tunnel. I now have to work on getting loans and choosing a school. I also plann to incorporate both Yoga and Photography in the big picture but not sure about it yet. My relationship with my parents has improved ten fold to me. Mom talks about trying to stay out of my business and I avoid trying to teach them anything. Plus they are happy and proud that I figured out what to do. What I learned from this relationship is that the less you try to teach people the better. Some people are reseptive to lessons but the majority of us want to figure it out for ourselves. Its hard for me to see how someone keeps butting their head against the same wall and they dont know why, I want to offer suggestions. And its hard to watch people live sheltered lives who dont even realize that the are and not try to help them see. But my break down made me see that "everyone has their time." All we can do is live our lives the best we can. We I did that my relationship with my folks changed.

My friendship with my fellow SGI member remain the same. None have really excelled to the next level. Basicly we hang out at events and meetings but not much more than that. I would love to make a stronger connection with one of them. I am working on planning both a camping and beach trip with whomever is willing.

Amazingly, even though I am allowing myself to date; I am not all that interested! I am very pleased with this. I am also very pleased to try my new arragment with a friend of mine this weekend!

Lastly, I would like to meet some people with similar interest as me (i.e. music, style, health, photography) I am axious to move to the city to try and meet them!

All through the day, I Me Mine

sigh...Im a sicky! I got the allergies, or they got me. I had been fine and then I raked like a mad man and the next day I was dead. I had a job interview and an extremly interesting social appointment on Saturday but had to cancel both and go back to WV. I must say that the first day back here was excellent. I mean, I felt like shit but I realized I hadn't really just vegged since the break down. I was all read read this and type type that, but then about 7pm yestarday I freaked out. I started philosophizing again and felt very distant from everyone and everything. I got scared. I tried to be brave and tell myself that I could have confidence but it was really difficult. I always get this thought that I could get to a point where my thoughts would take me to a place where I'd lose track of myself. Then I worry cause I don't really know what that means. I mean, in one hand how could ever lose track of yourself, but in the other hand; where are your thoughts comming from? I feel like so many people walk around the way I did up until my sophmore year of college when I learned about Buddhism; just believing in the self identity. There for awhile I had some catholic like guilt about ever feeling like I had any kind of identity. It was hard when I was first learning about Buddhism, I was so into image. But then I had the break down and the issue of identity was the only thing on my plate. I suppose that I have recently come to conclude that there are in fact 2 selves. One is the mind, it is composed of the thoughts (which come from who knows where for no particular reason) which are tailored to fit our socialization. Two is the real self. The real self is that which is unique with talents while also being grounded in all life forms. I think it is the mission of the human to be aware that thoughts are just thoughts so that we (the real self) can control our actions better. Not to mention that if we get a hold of our thoughts the real self will lead us to a place that is very healthy.
What I haven't really figured out yet is where do abstract things like confidence and love fit into it all? My best guess is that those things are the result of the mind (i.e. the thoughts) restructuring/ resocializing itself. For example, if I normally react with fear to a certain thought I can reach into my memory that contains the logic behind my new confidence and apply this new information to my thinking to eradicate my fear. There are so many things im so curious about like; is it really as simple as saying that what people told me when I was younger just stuck in my head? So now I have this imput of thoughts like a beating heart that are not based on "my" opinion? I mean, what the hell is your opinion then, for that matter? Ok which psychologist/philosopher wrote about this??? And what about the thoughts? My therapist says you can think yourself insane. Can you think yourself sane? Could I go into an institution and teach these people meditation and they learn that they are not their thoughts and everything be alright? I guess what Im asking is: what makes you insane? Is it information that is incorrect that you believe to be true? How could this happen? Is it a breakdown of other functions of the brain such as memory? Do we even know what functions are invloved in shaping an alternative view of reality? And what about memory, what role does it play in self identitiy? Clearly its not a thought...or is it? I mean, everytime I remember something I am essentially viewing information. What about these thoughts Im having now? They have nothing to do with my socialization. I guess my main question is: what do disorders do to the identity? If I don't have a grip on reality then who the hell am I? I suppose ones perseption of reality doesnt define the self. Is the self created by its perseption of itself? So if I indetifiy with my thoughts and my thoughts are dillusional...can it be said that I have an identity?
Ok so this is the kind of shit I think about everyday. I can't imagine how it must be to read this! I hate that I think this way. It feel like too much. I feel like im going to end up insane. I try to tell myself that there are others out there that think the same way, but I don't know. I feel like confidence is so important. I need to feel like I can handle me so to speak. But even that confuses me and therefore scares me. Basicly "I" need to believe (which is a thought) that I am confident (another thought) enough to deal with my thoughts (which are duh, thoughts). So with so much emphasis on the thoughts, Im terrifed as to what would happen if they became dillusional. Sigh...

Im still comming back.

My blog about friendship is affecting my friendships. There is a reason we don't think out loud. I want to apologize to someone whom I recently wrote about. My honesty really came off as an attack and I realize that now. That is not what i started this for, as a means to vent anger. From now on I must be careful to write in a way that will not jepordize the covetted friendships I am seeking.
Since I went to my therapist on Monday i've had the oppurtunitiy to think some stuff over. the first thing i will mention is what ive put together on the spiritual front. Many people have different ideas about how to get happy and that kinda alarmed me. No matter how smart a person you find there is a good chance you could find someone with a pretty good counter argument. That freaked me out because how am supposed to be able to judge which smart person has the best opinion! I think that all we can do is make our best guess and try it out. What makes the most sense to me is in someway seperating your true self from your mental action. It is that mental action that get us all worked up and sucked into our problems. We dont need to get rid of it, we just need to watch it instead of being it, so to speak. Since we don't really know where thoughts come from we can't claim to have created them. That would be like claiming to have created your beating heart. Thoughts are like a bike that you can use to get you to a really cool place or you can just ride around aimlessly in the hope of ending up someplace cool.
So i think if you work on realizing that most other things will fall into place. You will be calmer, have more confidence, be less judging and more compassionate. Also faith is important for me. If I can have faith I can let go of my need to always have control, making it easier to observe my thoughts.
Finally community is important to me, which brings us back to the center of this blog. No matter whether we are introverted or extroverted we need to be around other people I think. The support I get from SGI is amazing!
So thats what Ive learned about being happy. Find a few principles that make sense for you and try it out.
The other thing I've realized is i've been apathetic my whole life because i haven't felt secure. In my early 20's I felt hopeful that I would become secure and that acted almost as a substitute. But as I got older and the security did not come I cared less and less about living my life and more and more interested in finding a sense of security. What a terrible boyfriend I was; clinging to those girls with everything I had. I was pathetic. Life was always so scarey, but Ive seen myself at my worst now and I came back. Im still comming back.
So yea, Im not going to rule out dating now but im also not going to pursue it. Like everything else, I won't hide from it. Not to mention, Ive met someone who is interested in helping me curb my cravings. I've never really done anything like that before and have been skeptical in the past about it but I know others who are doing it and seem to be having no problems with it. I guess it's worth a try right?

HOW?

Last night I kinda broke down. I was on my way to MC a buddhist meeting where I would also be giving a description of the basics of buddhism. I was excitted. Traffic was really bad though and I desided to take a short cut but I dont really know my way around that well yet. I got lost. It killed me. I was so so pissed off. When I did finally make it someone had taken over my job. My friend Tai was there and he immediatley went up and sat with me, but after a few minutes i had to leave. I went for a walk around the block. I became aware of two things: 1. I am so much more dramatic than most people I know. 2. I wasn't just mad about getting lost. I realized that I was feeling fed up with feeling like Im impossing on people all the time because I have to stay with them. This makes my already slim sense of center even smaller and I am therefore left craving a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship so I have to push girls away. Im also tired of defending this Buddhism to myself. These people are wonderful and seem very happy but so are Christians. I think that if we want to reach enlightenment we need a concrete approach to doing that. But the truth is I don't care about enlightenment or even being happy really, my goal is truth. I think to get to that truth we need to clear the mind. SGI just suggests chanting. They say it will bring forth your Buddha nature, but how? Does that make sense, I mean seriously? We can't call forth anything, we're not magic! I mean, does your sense of smell respond to a call? Even if it could bring forth your buddha nature, what would you have learned? Through meditation you restructure your brain. Monks have even regrown the lining of their myelin sheath. You beging to disassociate your true self from your thoughts. SGI talks about the importance of realizing this but I don't see a way to do it. Its all very nice to help people and to learn from that. Its also nice to get to a point where day to day stressors dont bother you as much, but it just seems to me that that is not enough. It is much harder to sit and meditate for 10 minutes than it is to chant for 2 hours, ive done both. Most people pass their basic math classes, but it takes alot of effort to take more advanced classes. You have to work hard at understanding the truth of those problems because they are complex. This is how our buddha nature is, how the lotus sutra is. Some of the people Ive met at SGI (although very sweet) have an acceptance of the pratice on a very superfical level, but truth is truth. If they are benefiting from what they are doing, great, but its not going to get them to enlightenment. If you showed me a calculus problem i wouldnt understand it. I would have to do more than just chant "I am part of the truth this math implies" to understand it even though the problems innate truth effects us all.

I am growing sick of feeling so alone in these questions. I resent the people at SGI that take all this at face value while i am plagued with this relentless need to live life in accordance with truth. I feel that it may be hard but if a path is right, one must walk it.

So please tell me how chanting is going to awaken me? How will it calm my mind until I can disasscoicate my thoughts from "me"? How?

Anyway, after the meeting my friend Tai spent time talking to me even though he had aa shitty day himself. He was all smiles as usual. Then I gave me ex a ride home and she poored her guts into talking to me. We sat in the car, in the rain for an hour or two talking about all this. I really have made some great friends in SGI and I pray that I don't have to leave it based on my values.

I feel very vulnerable now. Im waiting to hear about a job, summer is comming and things with the ex are getting more complex. I feel I need some answers soon. I promised the ex i'd chant for another month at least.

Where does East begin?

I am starting to beleive in me. I always knew I needed to, but I never knew how. This is how you do it: Faith. You have to believe its possible for you to handle what comes at you. I never wanted to do that. Having faith isn't logical, and I am very analytical. But after hearing countless stories of all humanbeings potential I have started to believe in me. This is changing everything. Now i can stop the anxiety and I don't have to depend on relationships to define me. I am searching for meaning and purpose outside of romantic relationships and Im starting to see a life that is more about giving than getting. Life is about taking control not just needing something from someone else or doing something just because you know you need to do something.
I ran my first 10k on Saturday. I have a second interview with an organization that works with the mentally ill on the day I had set for myself to be moved out of my folks place. My relationship with my parents is improving and I am generally enjoying life more. I find motivation almost everyday. This morning I ran 4 miles, worked out and chanted for 2 hours before lunch.
My friends chanted for me during my interview and one helped me prepare. I am getting closer with my ex girlfriend and we have decided to start a band with my friend Tom. I am excitted and have started writting songs again after a very long dry patch. I have begun to notice that most songs are wrote about relationships and feel that this can be negative. I want to be inspired by music but I want to desire more than just girls. So I have been writting about other things, except for this one song about you (I had to). I think my ex and I are actually in the same place. We both feel the desire to be with someone but are aware of how destructive it can be. That being said...it's tough! I want to be close to someone! The other night I racked my brains in wonder as to why its so much nicer to hang out with any pretty girl who is your friend than it is to hang out with a guy whos your fucking soul mate. Tom thinks its genetic or hereditary or something. Theres just something about that potential, potential that you two may end up together that makes you feel safe. When I was friends with Frances all that time and not even thinking of her romantically I felt like a brick wall. Just to know I had a pretty girl on my side made me feel like my life would always be fun. I don't know, maybe that resinates with someone else out there, im not sure I fully grip it yet.
Then theres the matter of you. Mystery girl who may or may not being reading this. You are hard to shake. I can only assume from your silence that I was right and you were/are having a sexual relationship with that guy. I talked to my friend and she said that from her experience it's impossible to be sexual with someone and not put at least some of yourself into it, which means that you either like this guy or youre really good at cutting yourself off. The later actually hurts worse because it really makes me think about how different our values must be. Sure, I would sleep with my ex girlfriend if the moment presented itself but there would be something there. Within a few days I'd develop major feelings. And so the fact that you could do that and still talk about having feelings for seems....really confusing. I know youre trying to be single but what kind of feelings would you have to have for someone before your heart wouldn't let you get into bed with someone else?
If it seems like Im passionate about this it's because while im so confused and frustrated by the above Im also missing you so much. And as weird as this is going to sound i am continually sexually draw to you. I see you in every other girl. I feel aligned with you and in all honesty I think this fucking anger towards you only makes my hunger for you worse....Yea, it does!
What am I supposed to learn from you? How to let go? Youve already taught me so much about why we seek relationships. My constant hunger for you is a constant reminder of my greatest weakness; taking the easy way out.
Im so sorry you have to read all this, but in a way Im sure you enjoy this envoy into my thoughts. I can justify it by saying that Im doing it for the experiment but the truth is i want to communicate with you. A part of me sees an oppurtunity to slightly break the glass so eventually it all falls in and we are consumed ineach other again. But I am aware that if I take that route I will eventually end up at the start again. No, No relationships of any kind for me now. Even if that means losing you for good. Cause if you got me now I wouldnt be any good to you in the future anyway.
Ok so all this could be in vain if youre not reading it or if you don't care about me anymore but if it serves as an interesting blog entry, Im happy. Pretty good therapy too.

I watched "enlighten up" the other day and they said some cool stuff about spirituality. The guy met a Guru and he said that he was a godless guy from New York and he couldn't really buy into all this shit about religion. The guru said, don't believe if you don't want to. The guy says, "well how am I supposed to be religious if I don't believe" and the guru said "be yourself". The guy said he didn't always know how to do that and asked if he had any tips. The guru said to take away all the stuff that wasn't you. He asked the guy where east began. East begins with you.