sigh...Im a sicky! I got the allergies, or they got me. I had been fine and then I raked like a mad man and the next day I was dead. I had a job interview and an extremly interesting social appointment on Saturday but had to cancel both and go back to WV. I must say that the first day back here was excellent. I mean, I felt like shit but I realized I hadn't really just vegged since the break down. I was all read read this and type type that, but then about 7pm yestarday I freaked out. I started philosophizing again and felt very distant from everyone and everything. I got scared. I tried to be brave and tell myself that I could have confidence but it was really difficult. I always get this thought that I could get to a point where my thoughts would take me to a place where I'd lose track of myself. Then I worry cause I don't really know what that means. I mean, in one hand how could ever lose track of yourself, but in the other hand; where are your thoughts comming from? I feel like so many people walk around the way I did up until my sophmore year of college when I learned about Buddhism; just believing in the self identity. There for awhile I had some catholic like guilt about ever feeling like I had any kind of identity. It was hard when I was first learning about Buddhism, I was so into image. But then I had the break down and the issue of identity was the only thing on my plate. I suppose that I have recently come to conclude that there are in fact 2 selves. One is the mind, it is composed of the thoughts (which come from who knows where for no particular reason) which are tailored to fit our socialization. Two is the real self. The real self is that which is unique with talents while also being grounded in all life forms. I think it is the mission of the human to be aware that thoughts are just thoughts so that we (the real self) can control our actions better. Not to mention that if we get a hold of our thoughts the real self will lead us to a place that is very healthy.
What I haven't really figured out yet is where do abstract things like confidence and love fit into it all? My best guess is that those things are the result of the mind (i.e. the thoughts) restructuring/ resocializing itself. For example, if I normally react with fear to a certain thought I can reach into my memory that contains the logic behind my new confidence and apply this new information to my thinking to eradicate my fear. There are so many things im so curious about like; is it really as simple as saying that what people told me when I was younger just stuck in my head? So now I have this imput of thoughts like a beating heart that are not based on "my" opinion? I mean, what the hell is your opinion then, for that matter? Ok which psychologist/philosopher wrote about this??? And what about the thoughts? My therapist says you can think yourself insane. Can you think yourself sane? Could I go into an institution and teach these people meditation and they learn that they are not their thoughts and everything be alright? I guess what Im asking is: what makes you insane? Is it information that is incorrect that you believe to be true? How could this happen? Is it a breakdown of other functions of the brain such as memory? Do we even know what functions are invloved in shaping an alternative view of reality? And what about memory, what role does it play in self identitiy? Clearly its not a thought...or is it? I mean, everytime I remember something I am essentially viewing information. What about these thoughts Im having now? They have nothing to do with my socialization. I guess my main question is: what do disorders do to the identity? If I don't have a grip on reality then who the hell am I? I suppose ones perseption of reality doesnt define the self. Is the self created by its perseption of itself? So if I indetifiy with my thoughts and my thoughts are dillusional...can it be said that I have an identity?
Ok so this is the kind of shit I think about everyday. I can't imagine how it must be to read this! I hate that I think this way. It feel like too much. I feel like im going to end up insane. I try to tell myself that there are others out there that think the same way, but I don't know. I feel like confidence is so important. I need to feel like I can handle me so to speak. But even that confuses me and therefore scares me. Basicly "I" need to believe (which is a thought) that I am confident (another thought) enough to deal with my thoughts (which are duh, thoughts). So with so much emphasis on the thoughts, Im terrifed as to what would happen if they became dillusional. Sigh...
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