Im still comming back.

My blog about friendship is affecting my friendships. There is a reason we don't think out loud. I want to apologize to someone whom I recently wrote about. My honesty really came off as an attack and I realize that now. That is not what i started this for, as a means to vent anger. From now on I must be careful to write in a way that will not jepordize the covetted friendships I am seeking.
Since I went to my therapist on Monday i've had the oppurtunitiy to think some stuff over. the first thing i will mention is what ive put together on the spiritual front. Many people have different ideas about how to get happy and that kinda alarmed me. No matter how smart a person you find there is a good chance you could find someone with a pretty good counter argument. That freaked me out because how am supposed to be able to judge which smart person has the best opinion! I think that all we can do is make our best guess and try it out. What makes the most sense to me is in someway seperating your true self from your mental action. It is that mental action that get us all worked up and sucked into our problems. We dont need to get rid of it, we just need to watch it instead of being it, so to speak. Since we don't really know where thoughts come from we can't claim to have created them. That would be like claiming to have created your beating heart. Thoughts are like a bike that you can use to get you to a really cool place or you can just ride around aimlessly in the hope of ending up someplace cool.
So i think if you work on realizing that most other things will fall into place. You will be calmer, have more confidence, be less judging and more compassionate. Also faith is important for me. If I can have faith I can let go of my need to always have control, making it easier to observe my thoughts.
Finally community is important to me, which brings us back to the center of this blog. No matter whether we are introverted or extroverted we need to be around other people I think. The support I get from SGI is amazing!
So thats what Ive learned about being happy. Find a few principles that make sense for you and try it out.
The other thing I've realized is i've been apathetic my whole life because i haven't felt secure. In my early 20's I felt hopeful that I would become secure and that acted almost as a substitute. But as I got older and the security did not come I cared less and less about living my life and more and more interested in finding a sense of security. What a terrible boyfriend I was; clinging to those girls with everything I had. I was pathetic. Life was always so scarey, but Ive seen myself at my worst now and I came back. Im still comming back.
So yea, Im not going to rule out dating now but im also not going to pursue it. Like everything else, I won't hide from it. Not to mention, Ive met someone who is interested in helping me curb my cravings. I've never really done anything like that before and have been skeptical in the past about it but I know others who are doing it and seem to be having no problems with it. I guess it's worth a try right?