I am starting to beleive in me. I always knew I needed to, but I never knew how. This is how you do it: Faith. You have to believe its possible for you to handle what comes at you. I never wanted to do that. Having faith isn't logical, and I am very analytical. But after hearing countless stories of all humanbeings potential I have started to believe in me. This is changing everything. Now i can stop the anxiety and I don't have to depend on relationships to define me. I am searching for meaning and purpose outside of romantic relationships and Im starting to see a life that is more about giving than getting. Life is about taking control not just needing something from someone else or doing something just because you know you need to do something.
I ran my first 10k on Saturday. I have a second interview with an organization that works with the mentally ill on the day I had set for myself to be moved out of my folks place. My relationship with my parents is improving and I am generally enjoying life more. I find motivation almost everyday. This morning I ran 4 miles, worked out and chanted for 2 hours before lunch.
My friends chanted for me during my interview and one helped me prepare. I am getting closer with my ex girlfriend and we have decided to start a band with my friend Tom. I am excitted and have started writting songs again after a very long dry patch. I have begun to notice that most songs are wrote about relationships and feel that this can be negative. I want to be inspired by music but I want to desire more than just girls. So I have been writting about other things, except for this one song about you (I had to). I think my ex and I are actually in the same place. We both feel the desire to be with someone but are aware of how destructive it can be. That being said...it's tough! I want to be close to someone! The other night I racked my brains in wonder as to why its so much nicer to hang out with any pretty girl who is your friend than it is to hang out with a guy whos your fucking soul mate. Tom thinks its genetic or hereditary or something. Theres just something about that potential, potential that you two may end up together that makes you feel safe. When I was friends with Frances all that time and not even thinking of her romantically I felt like a brick wall. Just to know I had a pretty girl on my side made me feel like my life would always be fun. I don't know, maybe that resinates with someone else out there, im not sure I fully grip it yet.
Then theres the matter of you. Mystery girl who may or may not being reading this. You are hard to shake. I can only assume from your silence that I was right and you were/are having a sexual relationship with that guy. I talked to my friend and she said that from her experience it's impossible to be sexual with someone and not put at least some of yourself into it, which means that you either like this guy or youre really good at cutting yourself off. The later actually hurts worse because it really makes me think about how different our values must be. Sure, I would sleep with my ex girlfriend if the moment presented itself but there would be something there. Within a few days I'd develop major feelings. And so the fact that you could do that and still talk about having feelings for seems....really confusing. I know youre trying to be single but what kind of feelings would you have to have for someone before your heart wouldn't let you get into bed with someone else?
If it seems like Im passionate about this it's because while im so confused and frustrated by the above Im also missing you so much. And as weird as this is going to sound i am continually sexually draw to you. I see you in every other girl. I feel aligned with you and in all honesty I think this fucking anger towards you only makes my hunger for you worse....Yea, it does!
What am I supposed to learn from you? How to let go? Youve already taught me so much about why we seek relationships. My constant hunger for you is a constant reminder of my greatest weakness; taking the easy way out.
Im so sorry you have to read all this, but in a way Im sure you enjoy this envoy into my thoughts. I can justify it by saying that Im doing it for the experiment but the truth is i want to communicate with you. A part of me sees an oppurtunity to slightly break the glass so eventually it all falls in and we are consumed ineach other again. But I am aware that if I take that route I will eventually end up at the start again. No, No relationships of any kind for me now. Even if that means losing you for good. Cause if you got me now I wouldnt be any good to you in the future anyway.
Ok so all this could be in vain if youre not reading it or if you don't care about me anymore but if it serves as an interesting blog entry, Im happy. Pretty good therapy too.
I watched "enlighten up" the other day and they said some cool stuff about spirituality. The guy met a Guru and he said that he was a godless guy from New York and he couldn't really buy into all this shit about religion. The guru said, don't believe if you don't want to. The guy says, "well how am I supposed to be religious if I don't believe" and the guru said "be yourself". The guy said he didn't always know how to do that and asked if he had any tips. The guru said to take away all the stuff that wasn't you. He asked the guy where east began. East begins with you.
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