The Fall

My ex girlfriend whom I had remained friends with throughout my college years (lets call her Bucketta DeWorm) was leaving, it was New years 08. She was moving to TN for school. I thought alot about how much I had valued our friendship and how she had always been there for me. My family loved her. She had spent christmas with us for about four years. She was there when my grandfather died. We had seen each other at our most vulnerable. Something inside of my realized that I loved her. She had been in a relationship with a guy she admitted she didn't see as mariage material. She said they were going to try the long distance thing but she didn't expect it to work. He didn't want to move to be with her. She told me I was her best friend and that I was the one she took all her most serious problems to. I knew that when she left we would only drift further apart and I didn't want that. I wanted the opposite. I wanted my kids to look like her. She loved kids so much she got me to love them. I knew she'd be a great mother. I didn't want to be a jerk and step on her boyfriends toes but at the same time I knew it was now or never. So the day before she left I took her out and proposed to her over dinner. She was amazed, but said no...


All my life i've been involved in stuff that lead to something; High School lead to diploma, in the Military we were a close knit group all anxious to get out and then college we all wanted our degree. After college I felt free. Other than a guy named Josh I pretty much hadn't made any friends in 5 years but none the less I was relieved to be out. I woke up late and drank tea and went for walks. My job was in the evenings so I had plenty of time in the mornings to louge. This was a good time for me but it soon faded. I ended up in a another relationship that I was sure was the "one". In fact, I had planned to propose again. But it feel apart. This hurt bad again. It hurts when you can see all the good times you had so clearly and the person is telling you that...that all thats over.
Life started to get dull. I had been at the same job for 3 years, working as a residential counselor with a boy with a disability. I still wasnt making any friends and I lived in a town with absolutely nothing in it. No one on the streets no cafes or resturants, no grocery stores or video shops. I had one friend who lived an hour away and we spent every weekend together. Neither of us were really happy or had any clue how to meet other people. I thought about moving to the city but living where I was meant that rent was cheap enough to have my own place. My friend and considered moving to the city together but it always feel through. The summer was comming on and I was lonely and desperate. I don't mean sexual (although I was) I mean that I didnt really feel much joy in life anymore. I felt old, like all the good time were past me. I started to try to rebuild my life. I read inspirational books and started planning to go back to school. But as the days went by my goal was still miles away and the pain of my everyday life was increasing. My one joy was Bucketta. We had remained friends even through the failed proposal. She had since broken up with the guy she was with at the time. Then something great happened, she wanted to see me! She wanted me to come to Athens GA (where she was living) to see her! When I told her I couldn't afford the drive down she agreed to meet me in the middle. We were going to go camping in NC. I was surprised. She was going to be getting back from France that week, where she had been for over a month. And she was going to have to start a teaching assistanceship the day after we got back, but she still wanted to do it. She wanted to drive five hours to sleep alone in NC with me for three days. I was uplifted. I saw a possible reunion. When I got there it was amazing. We had so much fun and went right back to the way we had been for all those years. I couldn't help myself, I asked her how she felt about us. She said she had considered it but realized that she wanted to move on. I had kinda had this "ross" and "rachel" / "when harry met sally" vibe in my mind of how we would work out. I was willing to wait is what Im saying. But down there she kinda cut the chord. When I said goodbye to her I felt like I had been shot. The drive home was nothing but tears for 5 hours. When I got home we tried to still talk but eventually I had to tell her I needed to move on. I realized as long as she was around no other girl would have a fair chance with me. Not to mention we had become toxic to each other; the ever living ghost of what once was.
When I got home I was done for. A few days before Halloween I got E.Coli in the middle of the night. I called my mom and asked her what to do. She said I would either have to drive myself to the hospital or call the ambulance. I was terrified. Mom and dad lived an hour away. I didn't have a friend to call. I drove there and I remember the lady asking me if I had someone to take me home. I was about to turn 30 and for all my life I had not one friend to help me out.
When I returned to work I started having panic attacks. They became so severe I had to quit my job. I had to move back in with my parents where Im writting this from, and I have to stop writting now because they don't let me stay on their computer after they go to bed.