I have learned that my controlling behavior has some good attributes. I am more responsible than most people I know. I tend to be on time or early for things and I am very aware of how my actions affect others.
But I've also learned how distructive my controlling behavior is; especially when most of the people you're around don't see things the same way.
The few comments I received about why people might not want to be friends with me were usually dealing with my inflexibility. But to this day this still does not make all that much sense to me. Grant it, I like to make plans and Im not a big partyer, but does that mean you could never want to hang out with me. I mean, in college I was around my girlfriends friends and I dressed just like them, I talked to them about the music we all liked, the TV shows and movies we liked; but they still didn't want to hang out with me. How do I know this? Cause I asked! I tried to make plans to hang out with numerous people and was almost always blown off. My girlfriend said that alot of them are more into just hanging out instead of making plans, but how does one just drop by someones house uninvited?
Something else I fail to understand: how does one have multiple friends and not have any best friends? How does one feel secure without best friends? How do you keep up with what you've told to whom? I don't want to go somewhere with someone who is just ok, I want to go somewhere with someone I think is great. And if someone is great, than why look elsewhere for many more friends? I mean, I would love to have about 6 close friends, but I need to have that amazingly close one or two.
After I broke it off with my girlfriend she was crushed, but I felt like I had an excitting life ahead of me and I wanted to meet lots of other girls. I felt like I would grow into my life. At the time I was aware of how apathetic and passive I was but felt that as I got over I would somehow change. I saw my 30's as a time when I would be going after something, pursuing some interest and getting finacilly stable. But as the years past nothing changed.
I stayed best friends with my ex, even as we dated other people (including me dating one of her childhood friends). But I could not make other friends. I should point out that I did have 2 friends from high school but at this point in time they were pretty much living different lives.
My next relationship found me going down the same controlling road. I again, broke it off with this girl and she was pretty upset while I was cool. Again I maintained an extremely close friendship with her, one would say there were benefits to our friendship. Without knowing what I was doing though I smothered her. Just the mere suggestion that we spend sometime with other friends made me so angry I once left a theather before a movie started. I was like a spoiled brat.
Then she found someone else and I...freakin lost it. I mean, I broke down. I had no one. I felt so alone. I looked at it as my first broken heart, but it had nothing to do with my heart. Somehow having her to control made me feel safe. I guess I had no faith in my ability to do anything other than what was done to me as a child. I just wanted things to be the same day after day but at the same time I wanted freedom to have fun. The truth is I don't think I even know what that is. Without someone else's life to run...I don't really know what to do. You know, I always knew I was asking alot out of my relationships with people, but I also felt like I was really offering something back in return. I disagree with that now.
I like to think Im not like that anymore. That now I want agirlfriend who can think for herself. I have put alot of what I've learned into action. In my most recent relationships I've done alot better. But I still stuggle to know what to do with my own life.
Something I've realized about love: people can't make you happy, you make you happy. When you're happy around someone it is because "you" recognize something "you" like in them. However, that means that when we fall in love, we are kinda falling in love with ourselves. I think at first this sounds pessimistic, but if you look at it again it's not so bad. Psychologist always say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I think this is what that means. If you love yourself then you will have a healthy taste in partners. You will be interested in someone who is right for you so to speak. Love starts at the self, but to be complete must encompass all. Try being happy while being selfesh, it doesnt work for long, I've tried. So once you've loved yourself, then you can love someone else because we are all connected. So even if I fall for someone because of what "I" like about them, and what that does for me; if I love myself I will be able to give of myself.
I'd like to quote Bob Dylan:
"Love is all there is, It makes the world go round. Love and only love, it can't be denied. No matter what you think about it, you just won't be able to do without it. Take a tip from one who's tried."
And Nada Surf:
"To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love. For someone to be enough, you gotta call your own bluff"
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