Here goes...

It's been a rough week. My anxiety got bad this past Monday. Then I started getting deppressed. It seems like my biggest problem is my location. I have no privacy here at my parents house. This is very much "their" house and the rules I must live by leave me mentally exhausted. Not to mention the pressure; the pressure to move out or be more aggressive at getting a job or not be on the computer to long or to not sleep to late or stay up to late. Im under a constanst microscope in which all sense of self is eradicated.
But I went to Toms Friday and instantly began to unwind. Saturday morning I went to a buddhist function. I had to get up early to pick up some of the new friends I had met. It was rainy and I was beat. Not to mention that I keep checking back in with my anxiety to see where Im at. But again, I found these people to be uplifting to say the least. One lady got up to speak at the event and seemed to have gone through alot of what I went through. I performed a skit about nuclear non plurification with my two new friends Matt and Alena. Theres something to said about just being around those two. It feels amazing. I understand what they say now when they talk about life condition. They work very hard at creating positive karma that it starts to proceed them. It goes in front of you paving the road so that your interaction with people go smoother. On the ride home Matt explained some more stuff to me. He said I should set a goal and then put the practice to the test. He said I should have faith in it at the same time Im testing it. It sounds like a contradiction but its not. It takes alot of faith to believe that something will happen just because you say it will. I needed to hear all this stuff. All my life I've felt like i had limitied control over my life. Ive felt like a breeze could blow me away and so fear has been my constant. But Im so tired of being so passive. Im so tired of being content with life at BEST. I want more than just ok! I will change my life. I have faith in the Gohonzan (the thing we chant to that represents your self) because I, just as all us have buddha nature (a state of unshakable happiness, basicly). For to long I've believed what western psychology pushes down your throat about people being stuck with the genes and chemicals theyve got. Everything is a choice. People dont make us made or happy, we choose to like of dislike them because of who we are. Who we are starts with think and then with how hard we try. I dont know what wakes someone up to this other than time I guess, but once you get it you can start shifting. Here goes...