I had 8 people show up to my birthday party. None of them were pretentious and everyone got on pretty well. But I felt like shit that night after I got home. I was 20 minutes late and it was freezing cold out. The place I had picked to eat at was packed and they said we would have to wait an hour and a half so we had to go someplace else, but my phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone to let them know. The few people who were there already pulled together and called everyone and let them know. We ended up in Potbelly Sandwiches which was fine. I spent the time trying to make sure people were talking and having fun. Then we went to a fancy resturant for desert. It was a long cold walk but when we got there my friends had ordered me a desert. I was very grateful for all there efforts but I guess I was just worried that people didn't have a great time. I just feel like it's so important to ensure that when my new friends are with me they are enjoying themselves so they will want to continue doing it. Before I fell asleep I was comforted to think that I had done my best.
The next day I went to another friends birthday party. Such a social life is quite new to me! I was excitted to see that her party was not going anymore smoothly than mine. No one was really enteracting. But after awhile I struck up a conversation about philosophy with the girl's brother. He was amazing. He had lost his memory in a car accident when he was younger but had still managed to lead an amazing life full of insight and hope. He was so inspired to help others. We talked all night and at the end he mentioned that he was an introvert as well. He said that no one believes that and I told him I had the same problem. We can't do small talk. We open up only if there are no bondaries and we are talking about extremely important shit.
My lipps have been wettened with the taste of a relationship. It flowed through me like blood into a vampire. It's probably what it feel like to fall off the wagon, a confusing orgasim of disapointment and resignation.
I think I could have loved her. We had kind of made a plan that we would just go about our business until next fall upon which time we would meet again and decide where to go from there. I did not want to see anyone else and was a bit put off that she hadn't mentioned any interest in discontinuing her fling with a guy up there. But I told myself that it wasn't my business and suconsciously I thought that eventually she'd get so wrapped up in me she wouldn't want to see anyone else either. I was wrong. On my birthday, instead of calling to wish me happy birthday, she went out with him. She said she doesn't really care about him and that she's pretty sure he's not interested in a relationship. This seemed to indicate that they're relationship was purely sexual which was more than I could take. Therefore I can not feel like we are in the same place. I couldn't go out with another girl right now, let alone sleep with someone else. The frustrating thing is that she still maintains that we are in the same place, that she feels so strongly for me.
The point of a relationship is to share a deep bond, but I don't think one should attempt that unless they view it as a gift and not a nessesity. Relationships are not supposed to be the sorce of one's happiness as they have been for me. Right now, I feel like life would be sooo much better in a relationship. I think life is really hard outside of a relationship and that is how I know I shouldn't be in one. Unless I can learn to fill the holes in my life I will expect the other person to do it.
I am looking for vision. Being in a relationship can give you security, identity and emotional well-being but we shouldn't accept them. We should have our own. If you get into a relationship for these things you will slowly need more and more from your partner like a drug. We want our identity to progress and if our identity is contigent on our partner that means they have to progress. Which means you start pressuring them.
All this is very nice and we can know it deep down but it is so hard to forfeit when it's so close. I remember her body and her timidness and I have some ideas of how it would be like to be committed to her. It's tough cause not only would it have given me security, purpose and identity but it would also have fulfilled my desire for femininity; my biological need to consume it, to somehow be subject to it is one of the most rewarding/ fulfilling feelings i have ever felt.
Anyway the gig is up. Her date woke me up to 2 things. 1.) Im not ready to be in anything similar to a relationship. 2.) How dissimilar our reactions to our feelings are.
In a relationship you get to see yourself in someone else's eyes and they like you. It's simple really, you play the dark stranger and trick them into thinking you have depth and maybe the answer. Then you both use each other in every way possible untill youre bored to death. At that point youve lost vision for yourself again and so youre back where you started. But it takes alot of effort to jump out of the cycle because its so much easier to take the immediate perspective.
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOxE7IRizjI
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