plenty of light

one thousand words

The end has no end

tracing your shoulderblades aglow like rayon

Aglow with youth

The end of the begining of Rock the Era!

that all his children use to kiss

The Light is Inside and Outside the Tunnel

This Truely is the Devil's Crayon

study break

you will see my shadow on everyone

"need" "attention"

Stay tuned for series on "where we can chant"

Im still cozy, but its time to get up

Dancing between black and white, she ever so slightly exits stage right

stole my heart

Im writtin this to ya in reverse

I suck at this. I have hurt too many people in writting this blog to continue it in the same way anymore. I thought I would be able to write about my life from my perspective for a year and that people would excuse the content based on it being thoughts that I normally wouldnt express. I think that even I vialated that theory by using it as a means of being passive aggresive. I don't know how people write books and get away with all their thoughts exposed like that. Im also curious about how musicans can write songs about people and get away with that. I certainly couldnt get away with anything. A blog about making friends turned into one about how to loose them. My mom always reminds me that my grandma always says "never write anything you don't want a million people to read." I personally don't care who reads me, I just need to understand more about how what I write affects people. Because the majority of things I write that hurt people confuse me as to why. Words don't do me justice.
So I will now challenge myself to continue this project through a camera. Same principals but without words. Go...

rub a dub dub

Blah biddy blah...Im healthy and calm again. Im also back in DC. I have desided to go to massage therapy school. I have desided this because the other night at dinner mom was talking about how her and grandma couldn't really see why I wanted to do counseling but she said, "if thats what you want to do, then thats what you want to do." It dawned on me that, that wasn't what I wanted to do. There's to many gap in that field. What I mean is that, there is too much time between clients, doing paperwork, thinking up solutions. I realized I wanted to go to work and start working. I want to get physically involved with my work. I want to come home "physically" tired, not mentally. God knows I mentally exhaust myself (see previous blog). This feels GREAT! To finally have direction, something to work on, a light at the end of the tunnel. I now have to work on getting loans and choosing a school. I also plann to incorporate both Yoga and Photography in the big picture but not sure about it yet. My relationship with my parents has improved ten fold to me. Mom talks about trying to stay out of my business and I avoid trying to teach them anything. Plus they are happy and proud that I figured out what to do. What I learned from this relationship is that the less you try to teach people the better. Some people are reseptive to lessons but the majority of us want to figure it out for ourselves. Its hard for me to see how someone keeps butting their head against the same wall and they dont know why, I want to offer suggestions. And its hard to watch people live sheltered lives who dont even realize that the are and not try to help them see. But my break down made me see that "everyone has their time." All we can do is live our lives the best we can. We I did that my relationship with my folks changed.

My friendship with my fellow SGI member remain the same. None have really excelled to the next level. Basicly we hang out at events and meetings but not much more than that. I would love to make a stronger connection with one of them. I am working on planning both a camping and beach trip with whomever is willing.

Amazingly, even though I am allowing myself to date; I am not all that interested! I am very pleased with this. I am also very pleased to try my new arragment with a friend of mine this weekend!

Lastly, I would like to meet some people with similar interest as me (i.e. music, style, health, photography) I am axious to move to the city to try and meet them!

All through the day, I Me Mine

sigh...Im a sicky! I got the allergies, or they got me. I had been fine and then I raked like a mad man and the next day I was dead. I had a job interview and an extremly interesting social appointment on Saturday but had to cancel both and go back to WV. I must say that the first day back here was excellent. I mean, I felt like shit but I realized I hadn't really just vegged since the break down. I was all read read this and type type that, but then about 7pm yestarday I freaked out. I started philosophizing again and felt very distant from everyone and everything. I got scared. I tried to be brave and tell myself that I could have confidence but it was really difficult. I always get this thought that I could get to a point where my thoughts would take me to a place where I'd lose track of myself. Then I worry cause I don't really know what that means. I mean, in one hand how could ever lose track of yourself, but in the other hand; where are your thoughts comming from? I feel like so many people walk around the way I did up until my sophmore year of college when I learned about Buddhism; just believing in the self identity. There for awhile I had some catholic like guilt about ever feeling like I had any kind of identity. It was hard when I was first learning about Buddhism, I was so into image. But then I had the break down and the issue of identity was the only thing on my plate. I suppose that I have recently come to conclude that there are in fact 2 selves. One is the mind, it is composed of the thoughts (which come from who knows where for no particular reason) which are tailored to fit our socialization. Two is the real self. The real self is that which is unique with talents while also being grounded in all life forms. I think it is the mission of the human to be aware that thoughts are just thoughts so that we (the real self) can control our actions better. Not to mention that if we get a hold of our thoughts the real self will lead us to a place that is very healthy.
What I haven't really figured out yet is where do abstract things like confidence and love fit into it all? My best guess is that those things are the result of the mind (i.e. the thoughts) restructuring/ resocializing itself. For example, if I normally react with fear to a certain thought I can reach into my memory that contains the logic behind my new confidence and apply this new information to my thinking to eradicate my fear. There are so many things im so curious about like; is it really as simple as saying that what people told me when I was younger just stuck in my head? So now I have this imput of thoughts like a beating heart that are not based on "my" opinion? I mean, what the hell is your opinion then, for that matter? Ok which psychologist/philosopher wrote about this??? And what about the thoughts? My therapist says you can think yourself insane. Can you think yourself sane? Could I go into an institution and teach these people meditation and they learn that they are not their thoughts and everything be alright? I guess what Im asking is: what makes you insane? Is it information that is incorrect that you believe to be true? How could this happen? Is it a breakdown of other functions of the brain such as memory? Do we even know what functions are invloved in shaping an alternative view of reality? And what about memory, what role does it play in self identitiy? Clearly its not a thought...or is it? I mean, everytime I remember something I am essentially viewing information. What about these thoughts Im having now? They have nothing to do with my socialization. I guess my main question is: what do disorders do to the identity? If I don't have a grip on reality then who the hell am I? I suppose ones perseption of reality doesnt define the self. Is the self created by its perseption of itself? So if I indetifiy with my thoughts and my thoughts are dillusional...can it be said that I have an identity?
Ok so this is the kind of shit I think about everyday. I can't imagine how it must be to read this! I hate that I think this way. It feel like too much. I feel like im going to end up insane. I try to tell myself that there are others out there that think the same way, but I don't know. I feel like confidence is so important. I need to feel like I can handle me so to speak. But even that confuses me and therefore scares me. Basicly "I" need to believe (which is a thought) that I am confident (another thought) enough to deal with my thoughts (which are duh, thoughts). So with so much emphasis on the thoughts, Im terrifed as to what would happen if they became dillusional. Sigh...

Im still comming back.

My blog about friendship is affecting my friendships. There is a reason we don't think out loud. I want to apologize to someone whom I recently wrote about. My honesty really came off as an attack and I realize that now. That is not what i started this for, as a means to vent anger. From now on I must be careful to write in a way that will not jepordize the covetted friendships I am seeking.
Since I went to my therapist on Monday i've had the oppurtunitiy to think some stuff over. the first thing i will mention is what ive put together on the spiritual front. Many people have different ideas about how to get happy and that kinda alarmed me. No matter how smart a person you find there is a good chance you could find someone with a pretty good counter argument. That freaked me out because how am supposed to be able to judge which smart person has the best opinion! I think that all we can do is make our best guess and try it out. What makes the most sense to me is in someway seperating your true self from your mental action. It is that mental action that get us all worked up and sucked into our problems. We dont need to get rid of it, we just need to watch it instead of being it, so to speak. Since we don't really know where thoughts come from we can't claim to have created them. That would be like claiming to have created your beating heart. Thoughts are like a bike that you can use to get you to a really cool place or you can just ride around aimlessly in the hope of ending up someplace cool.
So i think if you work on realizing that most other things will fall into place. You will be calmer, have more confidence, be less judging and more compassionate. Also faith is important for me. If I can have faith I can let go of my need to always have control, making it easier to observe my thoughts.
Finally community is important to me, which brings us back to the center of this blog. No matter whether we are introverted or extroverted we need to be around other people I think. The support I get from SGI is amazing!
So thats what Ive learned about being happy. Find a few principles that make sense for you and try it out.
The other thing I've realized is i've been apathetic my whole life because i haven't felt secure. In my early 20's I felt hopeful that I would become secure and that acted almost as a substitute. But as I got older and the security did not come I cared less and less about living my life and more and more interested in finding a sense of security. What a terrible boyfriend I was; clinging to those girls with everything I had. I was pathetic. Life was always so scarey, but Ive seen myself at my worst now and I came back. Im still comming back.
So yea, Im not going to rule out dating now but im also not going to pursue it. Like everything else, I won't hide from it. Not to mention, Ive met someone who is interested in helping me curb my cravings. I've never really done anything like that before and have been skeptical in the past about it but I know others who are doing it and seem to be having no problems with it. I guess it's worth a try right?

HOW?

Last night I kinda broke down. I was on my way to MC a buddhist meeting where I would also be giving a description of the basics of buddhism. I was excitted. Traffic was really bad though and I desided to take a short cut but I dont really know my way around that well yet. I got lost. It killed me. I was so so pissed off. When I did finally make it someone had taken over my job. My friend Tai was there and he immediatley went up and sat with me, but after a few minutes i had to leave. I went for a walk around the block. I became aware of two things: 1. I am so much more dramatic than most people I know. 2. I wasn't just mad about getting lost. I realized that I was feeling fed up with feeling like Im impossing on people all the time because I have to stay with them. This makes my already slim sense of center even smaller and I am therefore left craving a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship so I have to push girls away. Im also tired of defending this Buddhism to myself. These people are wonderful and seem very happy but so are Christians. I think that if we want to reach enlightenment we need a concrete approach to doing that. But the truth is I don't care about enlightenment or even being happy really, my goal is truth. I think to get to that truth we need to clear the mind. SGI just suggests chanting. They say it will bring forth your Buddha nature, but how? Does that make sense, I mean seriously? We can't call forth anything, we're not magic! I mean, does your sense of smell respond to a call? Even if it could bring forth your buddha nature, what would you have learned? Through meditation you restructure your brain. Monks have even regrown the lining of their myelin sheath. You beging to disassociate your true self from your thoughts. SGI talks about the importance of realizing this but I don't see a way to do it. Its all very nice to help people and to learn from that. Its also nice to get to a point where day to day stressors dont bother you as much, but it just seems to me that that is not enough. It is much harder to sit and meditate for 10 minutes than it is to chant for 2 hours, ive done both. Most people pass their basic math classes, but it takes alot of effort to take more advanced classes. You have to work hard at understanding the truth of those problems because they are complex. This is how our buddha nature is, how the lotus sutra is. Some of the people Ive met at SGI (although very sweet) have an acceptance of the pratice on a very superfical level, but truth is truth. If they are benefiting from what they are doing, great, but its not going to get them to enlightenment. If you showed me a calculus problem i wouldnt understand it. I would have to do more than just chant "I am part of the truth this math implies" to understand it even though the problems innate truth effects us all.

I am growing sick of feeling so alone in these questions. I resent the people at SGI that take all this at face value while i am plagued with this relentless need to live life in accordance with truth. I feel that it may be hard but if a path is right, one must walk it.

So please tell me how chanting is going to awaken me? How will it calm my mind until I can disasscoicate my thoughts from "me"? How?

Anyway, after the meeting my friend Tai spent time talking to me even though he had aa shitty day himself. He was all smiles as usual. Then I gave me ex a ride home and she poored her guts into talking to me. We sat in the car, in the rain for an hour or two talking about all this. I really have made some great friends in SGI and I pray that I don't have to leave it based on my values.

I feel very vulnerable now. Im waiting to hear about a job, summer is comming and things with the ex are getting more complex. I feel I need some answers soon. I promised the ex i'd chant for another month at least.

Where does East begin?

I am starting to beleive in me. I always knew I needed to, but I never knew how. This is how you do it: Faith. You have to believe its possible for you to handle what comes at you. I never wanted to do that. Having faith isn't logical, and I am very analytical. But after hearing countless stories of all humanbeings potential I have started to believe in me. This is changing everything. Now i can stop the anxiety and I don't have to depend on relationships to define me. I am searching for meaning and purpose outside of romantic relationships and Im starting to see a life that is more about giving than getting. Life is about taking control not just needing something from someone else or doing something just because you know you need to do something.
I ran my first 10k on Saturday. I have a second interview with an organization that works with the mentally ill on the day I had set for myself to be moved out of my folks place. My relationship with my parents is improving and I am generally enjoying life more. I find motivation almost everyday. This morning I ran 4 miles, worked out and chanted for 2 hours before lunch.
My friends chanted for me during my interview and one helped me prepare. I am getting closer with my ex girlfriend and we have decided to start a band with my friend Tom. I am excitted and have started writting songs again after a very long dry patch. I have begun to notice that most songs are wrote about relationships and feel that this can be negative. I want to be inspired by music but I want to desire more than just girls. So I have been writting about other things, except for this one song about you (I had to). I think my ex and I are actually in the same place. We both feel the desire to be with someone but are aware of how destructive it can be. That being said...it's tough! I want to be close to someone! The other night I racked my brains in wonder as to why its so much nicer to hang out with any pretty girl who is your friend than it is to hang out with a guy whos your fucking soul mate. Tom thinks its genetic or hereditary or something. Theres just something about that potential, potential that you two may end up together that makes you feel safe. When I was friends with Frances all that time and not even thinking of her romantically I felt like a brick wall. Just to know I had a pretty girl on my side made me feel like my life would always be fun. I don't know, maybe that resinates with someone else out there, im not sure I fully grip it yet.
Then theres the matter of you. Mystery girl who may or may not being reading this. You are hard to shake. I can only assume from your silence that I was right and you were/are having a sexual relationship with that guy. I talked to my friend and she said that from her experience it's impossible to be sexual with someone and not put at least some of yourself into it, which means that you either like this guy or youre really good at cutting yourself off. The later actually hurts worse because it really makes me think about how different our values must be. Sure, I would sleep with my ex girlfriend if the moment presented itself but there would be something there. Within a few days I'd develop major feelings. And so the fact that you could do that and still talk about having feelings for seems....really confusing. I know youre trying to be single but what kind of feelings would you have to have for someone before your heart wouldn't let you get into bed with someone else?
If it seems like Im passionate about this it's because while im so confused and frustrated by the above Im also missing you so much. And as weird as this is going to sound i am continually sexually draw to you. I see you in every other girl. I feel aligned with you and in all honesty I think this fucking anger towards you only makes my hunger for you worse....Yea, it does!
What am I supposed to learn from you? How to let go? Youve already taught me so much about why we seek relationships. My constant hunger for you is a constant reminder of my greatest weakness; taking the easy way out.
Im so sorry you have to read all this, but in a way Im sure you enjoy this envoy into my thoughts. I can justify it by saying that Im doing it for the experiment but the truth is i want to communicate with you. A part of me sees an oppurtunity to slightly break the glass so eventually it all falls in and we are consumed ineach other again. But I am aware that if I take that route I will eventually end up at the start again. No, No relationships of any kind for me now. Even if that means losing you for good. Cause if you got me now I wouldnt be any good to you in the future anyway.
Ok so all this could be in vain if youre not reading it or if you don't care about me anymore but if it serves as an interesting blog entry, Im happy. Pretty good therapy too.

I watched "enlighten up" the other day and they said some cool stuff about spirituality. The guy met a Guru and he said that he was a godless guy from New York and he couldn't really buy into all this shit about religion. The guru said, don't believe if you don't want to. The guy says, "well how am I supposed to be religious if I don't believe" and the guru said "be yourself". The guy said he didn't always know how to do that and asked if he had any tips. The guru said to take away all the stuff that wasn't you. He asked the guy where east began. East begins with you.

Im jumping out of the game, by being a referee

I had 8 people show up to my birthday party. None of them were pretentious and everyone got on pretty well. But I felt like shit that night after I got home. I was 20 minutes late and it was freezing cold out. The place I had picked to eat at was packed and they said we would have to wait an hour and a half so we had to go someplace else, but my phone was dead so I couldn't call anyone to let them know. The few people who were there already pulled together and called everyone and let them know. We ended up in Potbelly Sandwiches which was fine. I spent the time trying to make sure people were talking and having fun. Then we went to a fancy resturant for desert. It was a long cold walk but when we got there my friends had ordered me a desert. I was very grateful for all there efforts but I guess I was just worried that people didn't have a great time. I just feel like it's so important to ensure that when my new friends are with me they are enjoying themselves so they will want to continue doing it. Before I fell asleep I was comforted to think that I had done my best.
The next day I went to another friends birthday party. Such a social life is quite new to me! I was excitted to see that her party was not going anymore smoothly than mine. No one was really enteracting. But after awhile I struck up a conversation about philosophy with the girl's brother. He was amazing. He had lost his memory in a car accident when he was younger but had still managed to lead an amazing life full of insight and hope. He was so inspired to help others. We talked all night and at the end he mentioned that he was an introvert as well. He said that no one believes that and I told him I had the same problem. We can't do small talk. We open up only if there are no bondaries and we are talking about extremely important shit.

My lipps have been wettened with the taste of a relationship. It flowed through me like blood into a vampire. It's probably what it feel like to fall off the wagon, a confusing orgasim of disapointment and resignation.
I think I could have loved her. We had kind of made a plan that we would just go about our business until next fall upon which time we would meet again and decide where to go from there. I did not want to see anyone else and was a bit put off that she hadn't mentioned any interest in discontinuing her fling with a guy up there. But I told myself that it wasn't my business and suconsciously I thought that eventually she'd get so wrapped up in me she wouldn't want to see anyone else either. I was wrong. On my birthday, instead of calling to wish me happy birthday, she went out with him. She said she doesn't really care about him and that she's pretty sure he's not interested in a relationship. This seemed to indicate that they're relationship was purely sexual which was more than I could take. Therefore I can not feel like we are in the same place. I couldn't go out with another girl right now, let alone sleep with someone else. The frustrating thing is that she still maintains that we are in the same place, that she feels so strongly for me.
The point of a relationship is to share a deep bond, but I don't think one should attempt that unless they view it as a gift and not a nessesity. Relationships are not supposed to be the sorce of one's happiness as they have been for me. Right now, I feel like life would be sooo much better in a relationship. I think life is really hard outside of a relationship and that is how I know I shouldn't be in one. Unless I can learn to fill the holes in my life I will expect the other person to do it.
I am looking for vision. Being in a relationship can give you security, identity and emotional well-being but we shouldn't accept them. We should have our own. If you get into a relationship for these things you will slowly need more and more from your partner like a drug. We want our identity to progress and if our identity is contigent on our partner that means they have to progress. Which means you start pressuring them.
All this is very nice and we can know it deep down but it is so hard to forfeit when it's so close. I remember her body and her timidness and I have some ideas of how it would be like to be committed to her. It's tough cause not only would it have given me security, purpose and identity but it would also have fulfilled my desire for femininity; my biological need to consume it, to somehow be subject to it is one of the most rewarding/ fulfilling feelings i have ever felt.
Anyway the gig is up. Her date woke me up to 2 things. 1.) Im not ready to be in anything similar to a relationship. 2.) How dissimilar our reactions to our feelings are.
In a relationship you get to see yourself in someone else's eyes and they like you. It's simple really, you play the dark stranger and trick them into thinking you have depth and maybe the answer. Then you both use each other in every way possible untill youre bored to death. At that point youve lost vision for yourself again and so youre back where you started. But it takes alot of effort to jump out of the cycle because its so much easier to take the immediate perspective.
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOxE7IRizjI

If you're you don't read this, it's not fair

Well my friend came to visit from CO. I must admit things didn't really go the way that I had planned. Thats not to say that I was disapointed. This girl had once told me she would be interested in letting things play out between us and we had flirted back and forth for over two years, but when we met...lets just say she wasn't as interested.
I am a fan of the movie "When Harry Met Sally" because it's so true. Men and women can very rarely be best friends. Almost every guy becomes romantically interested in every girl he knows at least once. Im not even your typical masculine pig and Im saying this. I tried for years to be friends with Frances and every time we were together I was suffering. I've talked to many guys about this and they have all been there. This is why your boyfriends don't want you to have male friends; not because we don't trust you but because we know what that guy is thinking. He's constantly picturing you naked, he's taking every opportunity to look up your skirt or through your shirt and given any sign (which you give without realizing it is a sign) he will make a pass.
It's hard for guys. We live in a world where the guy has to ask the girl out. So he's stressing about that and if that wasn't bad enough he has to ask you out in a way that indicates that he wants to date you. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on where half way through the girl mentions her boyfriend. If a guy asks you to do anything, he likes you. If a guy does anything nice for you, he likes you. Thats not just a thing on TV, thats the way it actually is. So guys and girls can't be friends.
So I'm trying to be friends with this girl. She's from MA. I saw her picture on a friends facebook profile and something clicked. I asked my friend about her and found out that my friend had gone to high school with her and that we would probably have alot in common. I was frustrated and as time went by I decided to message her, Im bold like that. Turns out she was cool and wrote back. We went on two dates (I straight up asked her on a date) and had fun. But I was in a bad place then and therefore didn't see many sparks. Since then I've been involved in Buddhism and have become alot better mentally and when she came down again a few days ago, I was excitted. It looked like we weren't going to get a chance to meet up but when we did it was amazing! We do have alot in common and we were laughing often. Half way through the date I kissed her and it was so nice, so warm, she seemed to fit into my arms so perfect. And I just got this feeling, like...she likes me too. I could just tell she wanted to be there with me as much as I wanted to be there with her. But not just that, it was like I could just tell what she wanted out of life. Something inside of us just sunk up and it was like "oh you want to set on the porch and read while we drink tea in the morning before we go off running and then to flea markets", or something.
But what am I supposed to do? I've been making so much progress on my own, and the day after she left, she was the only thing I thought about. Then the next day I was thinking of her when I was down, that's a bad sign. That means that Im not trying to fix myself, Im trying to use someone else to do it, and that's proven deadly in the past. Plus, she's up there. I can't just move there after 3 dates! Not to mention, Im not sure how much she knows herself.
So, I guess we have to just keep it friendly, which I hate because I don't want to lose her. But when it comes down to it: all I can do is all I can do. We were put into each others lives for a reason and whatever that reason is, it will be fulfilled.

Tommorow Im going to visit a lady who just lost her husband with my parents minister. He called me and invited me and I jumped at the opportunity since Im interested in counseling. This should be interesting.

I was also asked to play a song for a Buddhist festival this weekend. I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to do my best. Now what song to perform?

Update

I heard the Dali lama say the other night that if you want friends you have to create an enviroment that is condusive to having them.

I met a really cool guy Wed. His name is Drew and he lives a half an hour away from my folks place. We were introduced by other SGI members. We seemed to have alot in common other than just being in SGI. He is a musican and is very into movies too. Im excitted to get to know him better and hang out this summer!

Last night I went to an SGI meeting and my ex-girlfriends father opened the door and when I entered, my ex-girlfriend was setting in the middle with her new boyfriend. It was pretty awkard but I got through it. Afterward I actually went out for coffee with her dad.

One thing I realized today was that the more friends you have, the less pressure you have to put on the one relationship you have with a best friend.

The eye game

First I'd like to say that I never meant to leave my good friend Christy out of all this. Christy has been a wonderful friend to me since I met her at work nearly 4 years ago. However when I got sick I didn't really feel like I could call her. She worked the same schedule as me and I think some part of me felt like calling her would be off limits. I've loved hanging out with her but her living situation was much different than mine and therefore it was harder to hang out over there. None the less, she is one of the most loyal, generious and funny people I know and I miss her.
I've been noticing that alot of my communication with the people I want to stay in my life is designed to keep them in my life. I have told nearly all of my girlfriends that I loved them within the first week of dating them. And when I meet someone new that I like I immediatley open up so they will see that they can trust me. I feel like unless they see that I am interesting within an hour or so they will start to lose interest. I also try to make sure they know how appreciative I am of their friendship. It is harder to leave someone if they are a nice person.
But I find that no matter how much I imploy these methods I rarely get as close to people as I would like. I am currently getting great call and response from the new friends I've been making. And Even though most of them plan on moving in the near future, Im not as worried about being able to make more friends within SGI. The people there have been great. I think this is the reason I've had such a great response from them: they are living for others as much as for themselves. I was talking to Tom tonight about how alot of people don't want to respond on these social sites. He was frustrated because he thought that was the point of being on those sites. I agree, but I also think alot of those people are just on there for vainity (not to say that I haven't had my share of vainity fair on facebook.)
I will be welcomming a friend from CO this Friday! I haven't seen her in 10 years! We were in the Air Force together. We first met at a youth group meeting in Italy. I was in a very spiritual place at the time and I think that brought us together. She had a boyfriend at the time and I told myself that was fine because I wasn't attracted to her. She told me that it frustrated her how guys would claim to be her friend and then get a crush on her. I remember laughing. She was going through a tough time as she was trying to get out of the military as a conscientious objector. I actually testified for her in the case. To take her mind off of things we would go to villiages in the mountains at night after I got off my swing shift as a cop. We were big into photography at the time and took many night photos. I remember one night it was raining and to my surprise she still wanted to go take pictures. We got soaked but came back with some cool memories. Little by little I began to fall for her. Then one day we were at a resturant and I asked her if she had ever tried reading someones mind through their eyes. We kinda laughed a bit and then began to try. I looked at her and thought about how I needed a refill on my drink as hard as I could. She said "you want more coke". I was blown away! I asked her how she did it and she said that I had looked at my drink before hand. None the less I was still impressed. It was then her turn and I began to look into her eyes. Right as I did I heard her voice say in my head "if it wasn't for Dan (her boyfriend) it'd be you." I was so alarmed that I stood up and made up some excuse to go to get that drink or use the bathroom or something. When I came back I tried to change the subject but she said "don't you want to know what I said?" I told her it didn't matter and that we should go. She got really serious and looked really sad. She said "please tell me what you heard." I told her I didn't hear anything. I took her back to base and huged her and then left her. We barely said a word. Things were akward for awhile and I thought about just telling her how I felt. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I did. I asked her if what I heard was what she meant for me to hear. She said "something like that." I remeber being really frustrated (and a drama queen) at the time, so I wrote her this being letter saying how it didn't matter if we couldn't be together because at least she knew how I felt about her. When I gave her the letter she cried. She told me that what she was actually saying with her eyes was that she couldn't talk because her mouth was full. I of course stormed out (of course) to try and get drunk. Things were weird from then on in. Eventually she left and didn't even say good bye. I still look at that as one of the most romantic times of my life regardless of how over the top I was. I thought about her for years after that and eventually found her on facebook. Weve talked a few times and she seems like a really cool person still. I can't wait to her again. We should probably play the eye game again just for old times sake!

Here goes...

It's been a rough week. My anxiety got bad this past Monday. Then I started getting deppressed. It seems like my biggest problem is my location. I have no privacy here at my parents house. This is very much "their" house and the rules I must live by leave me mentally exhausted. Not to mention the pressure; the pressure to move out or be more aggressive at getting a job or not be on the computer to long or to not sleep to late or stay up to late. Im under a constanst microscope in which all sense of self is eradicated.
But I went to Toms Friday and instantly began to unwind. Saturday morning I went to a buddhist function. I had to get up early to pick up some of the new friends I had met. It was rainy and I was beat. Not to mention that I keep checking back in with my anxiety to see where Im at. But again, I found these people to be uplifting to say the least. One lady got up to speak at the event and seemed to have gone through alot of what I went through. I performed a skit about nuclear non plurification with my two new friends Matt and Alena. Theres something to said about just being around those two. It feels amazing. I understand what they say now when they talk about life condition. They work very hard at creating positive karma that it starts to proceed them. It goes in front of you paving the road so that your interaction with people go smoother. On the ride home Matt explained some more stuff to me. He said I should set a goal and then put the practice to the test. He said I should have faith in it at the same time Im testing it. It sounds like a contradiction but its not. It takes alot of faith to believe that something will happen just because you say it will. I needed to hear all this stuff. All my life I've felt like i had limitied control over my life. Ive felt like a breeze could blow me away and so fear has been my constant. But Im so tired of being so passive. Im so tired of being content with life at BEST. I want more than just ok! I will change my life. I have faith in the Gohonzan (the thing we chant to that represents your self) because I, just as all us have buddha nature (a state of unshakable happiness, basicly). For to long I've believed what western psychology pushes down your throat about people being stuck with the genes and chemicals theyve got. Everything is a choice. People dont make us made or happy, we choose to like of dislike them because of who we are. Who we are starts with think and then with how hard we try. I dont know what wakes someone up to this other than time I guess, but once you get it you can start shifting. Here goes...

Tom and I

I want to take this time to talk about one of the most important things in the world to me. For the past couple of years I have become much closer to an old frined from high school, lets call him Tom. The interesting thing about Tom and I, is that our lives parallel. We love the same music, the same girls, the same tea, and clothes. We are both very introverted and have no idea how to "live". There are many more similarities as well but that would involve me giving name and being too specific. What I just want to say is that without him...I have no clue how I would have even begun to dig myself out of the hole im in. He is honest with me and puts up with me. He is also big enough to admit when he's wrong and brave enough to trust me.
I am writting this from his house and he is at work. The situation at my folks place is bad. When I had the breakdown and had to move back in, they were actually happy about it. But it has proved to be a nightmare. For awhile I would just spend the whole week at the house, only to hang out with Tom on the weekend. That was all that was keeping me going. Theres just something about a that town that makes me sick. I mean no disrespect to the people who live there. After all I grew up there. It just feels so dead. No one cares about going anywhere, everyones really monotone, all the buildings are bult without regard to aesthetics and there is no one around; no one my age. My parents idea of life is to work...all day except for maybe 2 hours before bed. All they talk about are the people from town or the next toy they will buy. Again, I dont want to seem like Im making fun of them, I just want to point out what bums me out so much. I hate that I can't just be happy anywhere with anyone.
Anyway, one day I was feeling really bad so I sent a message to an ex girlfriend (not Bucketta). My theraphist thought that I was just going from relationship to relationship because I didn't want to face myself. she thought I was still codependent on my mother. I knew that if I was going to break this cycle I couldn't keep going after girls but none the less, I felt so terrible that I mad contact with my ex. She listen to me talk on the phone and I didn't really feel like she cared much but talking to he rememinded me of a time when I was happy. Over the next couple of weeks we met up a few times and I began to develop some kind of longing to...be with her again in some compasity. She is Buddhist, as am I, but she is of a different sect called Soka Gakkai. Theyre philosophy is more extroverted and at that time it sounded very appealing. Once I was sceduled to meet up with her on a week day and I had driven an hour and a half to get there. When I got there she told me we would be meeting two of her guy friends from Soka. I was bummed. As I said before, I like to hang out with people one on one. But to my surprise I really enjoyed the guys company. I started attending meetings at the culture center in DC. Every new person I met I made sure I friended on facebook and got their number. Something was different about these people. Not only were they nice but they were really smart and reasonable. And the thing that got me the most was their follow up. They called me back. I now think of this simple gesture as one of the most important thing a friend can do. The more friends I met there the less relevant my friendship with my ex was, which was lucky because I soon found out that she had started seeing someone else.

The Fall

My ex girlfriend whom I had remained friends with throughout my college years (lets call her Bucketta DeWorm) was leaving, it was New years 08. She was moving to TN for school. I thought alot about how much I had valued our friendship and how she had always been there for me. My family loved her. She had spent christmas with us for about four years. She was there when my grandfather died. We had seen each other at our most vulnerable. Something inside of my realized that I loved her. She had been in a relationship with a guy she admitted she didn't see as mariage material. She said they were going to try the long distance thing but she didn't expect it to work. He didn't want to move to be with her. She told me I was her best friend and that I was the one she took all her most serious problems to. I knew that when she left we would only drift further apart and I didn't want that. I wanted the opposite. I wanted my kids to look like her. She loved kids so much she got me to love them. I knew she'd be a great mother. I didn't want to be a jerk and step on her boyfriends toes but at the same time I knew it was now or never. So the day before she left I took her out and proposed to her over dinner. She was amazed, but said no...


All my life i've been involved in stuff that lead to something; High School lead to diploma, in the Military we were a close knit group all anxious to get out and then college we all wanted our degree. After college I felt free. Other than a guy named Josh I pretty much hadn't made any friends in 5 years but none the less I was relieved to be out. I woke up late and drank tea and went for walks. My job was in the evenings so I had plenty of time in the mornings to louge. This was a good time for me but it soon faded. I ended up in a another relationship that I was sure was the "one". In fact, I had planned to propose again. But it feel apart. This hurt bad again. It hurts when you can see all the good times you had so clearly and the person is telling you that...that all thats over.
Life started to get dull. I had been at the same job for 3 years, working as a residential counselor with a boy with a disability. I still wasnt making any friends and I lived in a town with absolutely nothing in it. No one on the streets no cafes or resturants, no grocery stores or video shops. I had one friend who lived an hour away and we spent every weekend together. Neither of us were really happy or had any clue how to meet other people. I thought about moving to the city but living where I was meant that rent was cheap enough to have my own place. My friend and considered moving to the city together but it always feel through. The summer was comming on and I was lonely and desperate. I don't mean sexual (although I was) I mean that I didnt really feel much joy in life anymore. I felt old, like all the good time were past me. I started to try to rebuild my life. I read inspirational books and started planning to go back to school. But as the days went by my goal was still miles away and the pain of my everyday life was increasing. My one joy was Bucketta. We had remained friends even through the failed proposal. She had since broken up with the guy she was with at the time. Then something great happened, she wanted to see me! She wanted me to come to Athens GA (where she was living) to see her! When I told her I couldn't afford the drive down she agreed to meet me in the middle. We were going to go camping in NC. I was surprised. She was going to be getting back from France that week, where she had been for over a month. And she was going to have to start a teaching assistanceship the day after we got back, but she still wanted to do it. She wanted to drive five hours to sleep alone in NC with me for three days. I was uplifted. I saw a possible reunion. When I got there it was amazing. We had so much fun and went right back to the way we had been for all those years. I couldn't help myself, I asked her how she felt about us. She said she had considered it but realized that she wanted to move on. I had kinda had this "ross" and "rachel" / "when harry met sally" vibe in my mind of how we would work out. I was willing to wait is what Im saying. But down there she kinda cut the chord. When I said goodbye to her I felt like I had been shot. The drive home was nothing but tears for 5 hours. When I got home we tried to still talk but eventually I had to tell her I needed to move on. I realized as long as she was around no other girl would have a fair chance with me. Not to mention we had become toxic to each other; the ever living ghost of what once was.
When I got home I was done for. A few days before Halloween I got E.Coli in the middle of the night. I called my mom and asked her what to do. She said I would either have to drive myself to the hospital or call the ambulance. I was terrified. Mom and dad lived an hour away. I didn't have a friend to call. I drove there and I remember the lady asking me if I had someone to take me home. I was about to turn 30 and for all my life I had not one friend to help me out.
When I returned to work I started having panic attacks. They became so severe I had to quit my job. I had to move back in with my parents where Im writting this from, and I have to stop writting now because they don't let me stay on their computer after they go to bed.

What went wrong? 2

I have learned that my controlling behavior has some good attributes. I am more responsible than most people I know. I tend to be on time or early for things and I am very aware of how my actions affect others.
But I've also learned how distructive my controlling behavior is; especially when most of the people you're around don't see things the same way.
The few comments I received about why people might not want to be friends with me were usually dealing with my inflexibility. But to this day this still does not make all that much sense to me. Grant it, I like to make plans and Im not a big partyer, but does that mean you could never want to hang out with me. I mean, in college I was around my girlfriends friends and I dressed just like them, I talked to them about the music we all liked, the TV shows and movies we liked; but they still didn't want to hang out with me. How do I know this? Cause I asked! I tried to make plans to hang out with numerous people and was almost always blown off. My girlfriend said that alot of them are more into just hanging out instead of making plans, but how does one just drop by someones house uninvited?
Something else I fail to understand: how does one have multiple friends and not have any best friends? How does one feel secure without best friends? How do you keep up with what you've told to whom? I don't want to go somewhere with someone who is just ok, I want to go somewhere with someone I think is great. And if someone is great, than why look elsewhere for many more friends? I mean, I would love to have about 6 close friends, but I need to have that amazingly close one or two.
After I broke it off with my girlfriend she was crushed, but I felt like I had an excitting life ahead of me and I wanted to meet lots of other girls. I felt like I would grow into my life. At the time I was aware of how apathetic and passive I was but felt that as I got over I would somehow change. I saw my 30's as a time when I would be going after something, pursuing some interest and getting finacilly stable. But as the years past nothing changed.
I stayed best friends with my ex, even as we dated other people (including me dating one of her childhood friends). But I could not make other friends. I should point out that I did have 2 friends from high school but at this point in time they were pretty much living different lives.
My next relationship found me going down the same controlling road. I again, broke it off with this girl and she was pretty upset while I was cool. Again I maintained an extremely close friendship with her, one would say there were benefits to our friendship. Without knowing what I was doing though I smothered her. Just the mere suggestion that we spend sometime with other friends made me so angry I once left a theather before a movie started. I was like a spoiled brat.
Then she found someone else and I...freakin lost it. I mean, I broke down. I had no one. I felt so alone. I looked at it as my first broken heart, but it had nothing to do with my heart. Somehow having her to control made me feel safe. I guess I had no faith in my ability to do anything other than what was done to me as a child. I just wanted things to be the same day after day but at the same time I wanted freedom to have fun. The truth is I don't think I even know what that is. Without someone else's life to run...I don't really know what to do. You know, I always knew I was asking alot out of my relationships with people, but I also felt like I was really offering something back in return. I disagree with that now.
I like to think Im not like that anymore. That now I want agirlfriend who can think for herself. I have put alot of what I've learned into action. In my most recent relationships I've done alot better. But I still stuggle to know what to do with my own life.
Something I've realized about love: people can't make you happy, you make you happy. When you're happy around someone it is because "you" recognize something "you" like in them. However, that means that when we fall in love, we are kinda falling in love with ourselves. I think at first this sounds pessimistic, but if you look at it again it's not so bad. Psychologist always say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I think this is what that means. If you love yourself then you will have a healthy taste in partners. You will be interested in someone who is right for you so to speak. Love starts at the self, but to be complete must encompass all. Try being happy while being selfesh, it doesnt work for long, I've tried. So once you've loved yourself, then you can love someone else because we are all connected. So even if I fall for someone because of what "I" like about them, and what that does for me; if I love myself I will be able to give of myself.

I'd like to quote Bob Dylan:

"Love is all there is, It makes the world go round. Love and only love, it can't be denied. No matter what you think about it, you just won't be able to do without it. Take a tip from one who's tried."

And Nada Surf:

"To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love. For someone to be enough, you gotta call your own bluff"

What went wrong?

All through growing up I had friends. However I always was the kind of guy to enjoy being with one friend at a time. I felt a need to have a certain amount of attention from each person I was friends with. Also, I found it harder to just make small talk. For me it was much easier to share everything with one person than just talk about nothing with a bunch of people. I always had several friends, I just spent time with each of them seperatley.
I suppose I should mention something about my family life. I am an only child. I was brought up a white, Christian, male in a small town in West Virginia. My parents were pretty great to me. They are still together. I used to think of myself as a "clean slate" kid, meaning that I had'nt had a rough or abnormal childhood and therefore would potentially be free of some of the psychological turmoil I had seen some others go through. As it turns out, thats not the case. If my parents lacked in any area (in my opinion) it was that they were pretty controlling. They were the kind of people who would rather do it themselves instead of trusting you to do it because you may mess it up. With this kind of thinking I began to withdraw myself from activities that required any amount of skill as I began to distrust my own abilitiy. I also began to withdraw from them and their conservative lifestyle. I found solice in the children of hippies. I loved their more relaxed, more creative atmosphere. I found myself in that culture but continued to carry around that distrust of my own ability. It is my belief that over time that distrust turned to apathy and that apathy turned into fear and fear is what has lead me here. But we'll get into that more later.
So I joined the Air Force when I was 18. I had no money for school and I did'nt know what else to do. Plus I knew I'd get to travel and I found it rather romantic. Turns out I stood out like a sore thumb in the Military due to my creative interest and liberal views. But I had friends, and a few really good ones. To be honest at that time in my life I was becomming more and more controlling. I tried to balance it with being more creative but the truth was that I was living like an old man. I did'nt want to stay out to late and I canceled plans with people all the time in order to have control over the time and place of our meeting. Looking back now I can see what a grip fear was begining to play in my life.
When I got out of the Military I started college. I had my first long term, serious relationship. It was with her that I first noticed the problem I was having making friends. Everyone around me seemed to love her and actually seemed put off by me. I suppose they saw how controlling I was with her. I don't reaaly want to get into the specifics of my controlling nature, but lets just say I wasn't the best boyfriend. And my controlling only got worse when I was unable to make other friends. I needed my girlfriend to fullfill all these roles. It was extremley intense and taxing for her. I would like to point out that I was not aware of what I was doing and never meant to be anything other than loving toward her. It just goes to show how much harm one can do without even knowing it.
Anyway it was at this point that things starting visibly unravelling for me. The more controlling I got the less people wanted to hang out with me and the less people wanted to hang out with me the more controlling I got. Why was I so controlling? I felt like I knew something other people didn't. Like other people were either wasting their time, or being dirty, or not thinking things through. Mostly I felt like people didn't pay enough attention to how their actions were affecting others. These days I've learned the error in much of my thinking. The next blog will deal with that awakening.